too scary in fact.
today i was supposed to meet with my pchem professor to discuss my .. very bad grade. but he was kinda busy so he asked me to come tomorrow same time. why am i so freakin' nervous ! oh.. well gee i dunno. maybe b/c i'd lose my scholarship if i don't do well in this class. why didn't i try hard enough? do all of these questions ultimately lead me to the demise of my college career?

part of me thinks: yes, it will. if i lose my scholarship, i might hafta transfer out of case, take a semester off.. whatever. if i don't go to case, i'll hafta start all over at another unfamiliar university. if i took a semester off, i'll be behind and be so bored b/c who else is gonna be taking a semester off w/ me.

another part says: no, of course not. it's all in God's plan and whatever's meant to happen will.

and that's the scary part. that i d o n ' t k n o w ...

  • what's gonna happen tomorrow
  • what would've happened if i never met him/her
  • whether or not my grades will affect the jobs i get interviewed for
  • how i'm gonna get internships

why does college hafta be the best time of your life, but at the same time the worst? the part that makes the rest of your life but could easily bring everything down?

and why am i so focused on this?!?! i get taught everyday that our eyes should not be set on earthly things. that this life is temporary. i guess i'm still working on that part.

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let's talk about something else !

how about...... how seriously beautiful the weather is. until wed, that is. and gee, that's when my two exams are ! what a nice combination. when i have my exams the weather is dark and gloomy, rainy and humid.

do you ever feel like you're exposing too much of yourself? in person, chat rooms, on AIM, facebook, in blogs, online forums, etc? where's the line? did you ever feel like why you expose too much of yourself? have i become an exhibitionist through this blog? i really hope not. but at the same time, i hope people are encouraged and get something out of this. otherwise, this blog is completely meaningless. it's for me, yea, in a sense that i can keep a semi-private journal of what's going on in my life. but at the same time, i know people read this and i don't want them to get any more angry or depressed b/c of this. that's not my purpose.

i've been going through my super super old xanga posts from like 2004 and dang. i tried sssoooo hard to make people laugh. every other post would be like, "wanna hear something funny?!" and i'd go on and on with a joke or comic strip or something that would lighten someone's day. but i realize that i don't really do that anymore. i do it more b/c i stumbled across it and i put it up there for myself. i guess the habit of blogging has become more of a personal thing for me. whether or not people read it consistently, i still write. and if people comment, great. if not, that's cool, too. as long as you don't hate. =) j/k. you can hate but you better have reason.

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i'm going to a wedding ! i love weddings. it's on june 9th. if you wanna be my date, it's too late. haha i already RSVP'd and i'm going alone...... poo. i hope i'm sitting with people i know.

i gotta start studying now.

i've used up my half hour of free time between now and 5:30pm. sooooooooo off to work i go ! ^___^