some people, guys and girls, have asked me : why are you single?
creepy guys ask me b/c they think they can score a date w/ me. loooosers. y'know i'm gonna say no. well i guess SOMEtimes i say yes. but they stopped asking. probably b/c i'm too scary. that's a good thing... right?
girls ask me just b/c they're curious, i guess. and it stirs up pretty steamy conversations. haha.

so i guess i ask myself from time to time, too. i look at my coupled friends, and i'm like, hmm. they're happy, i guess. =) they get presents for vday and get to go on dates. they get flowers on their birthday. don't hafta search for a date to formals, etc.



looking at relationships just purely as they are... it's way too much work. i'd never concentrate on my work. i'd never buy the right presents. i'd be BROKE. i wouldn't be able to buy shoes ! but more overwhelmingly, my thoughts and feelings would be consumed with his needs and desires.

i was watching sex and the city, season 2., and that's when carrie breaks up with mr. big and then later towards the end of the season she sees him with another woman in the hamptons. mr. big is a huge deal b/c she fell in love w/ him. she "tied herself to a man who couldn't commit". so she finally detached herself after telling him she loved him, but as soon as she saw him w/ another woman who was younger, more sophisticated.. and then heard the news from him that they were engaged.. she totally fell apart.

that's my fear, too. i don't wanna meet a man of my dreams.. totally attach myself like a parasite or a leech (what lovely images), and then find out that he's terrified of commitment and doesn't want me anymore. what's the point of giving someone all my loving.. if we're not meant to get married and be together till we grow old, saggy, and wrinkly?

yesyes, i know the famous saying : it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO on whoever really said that. b/c as true as that is.. no one wants to experience heartache. trust me, i've been there. no it wasn't just a giant crush, i-think-this-could-possibly-work kinda deal. for me, no matter how many people were against us, no matter how different we were, no matter how much the future looked blurry, no matter how difficult it would be to have a long-distance relationship... i thought it would happen. i was like carrie. i made myself vulnerable and i attached myself. i jumped on the ledge and told him that i loved him. and he didn't outright deny me and push me aside like mr. big did.... but obviously we're not together right now. then i realized something huuge... we were just better off friends. not friends w/ benefits, goodness. for mr. big and carrie.. it seemed almost impossible to be friends again. but carrie still wanted it. and i really did, too. i valued our friendship over anything b/c that's how we started out. and even though it was really difficult for me the few months afterwards.. i missed him terribly and everywhere i went, i saw his face and felt his presence, hahahah am i getting too mushy? =P

anyway. what i'm trying to get at.. is that i'm single b/c i choose to be. many of us have been in relationships and you know what a rush it is. getting phone calls and text messages late at night making sure you're okay and wishing you a good night. someone to cuddle with when watching a movie. someone to hold hands with when walking down a street. someone to lean on when no one else is available. someone to bear your burdens when you feel heavy. someone to catch you when you fall sort of deal. someone to support you and encourage you in whatever you're doing. someone to bring you chicken soup when you're hacking your lungs out. annnd the list goes on. i think i made that point clear. HOWEVER... ! no matter how great the rush is... it just doesn't beat the rush of laughing w/ your close girl friends and receiving an indescribable love from Jesus Christ. who says that your best friend can't hold your hands while walking to class? i remember my best friend did that to me in high school. i thought it was the WEIRDEST thing ever. and kinda shady and creepy. but then i looked around, and ALL the girls were doing it ! maybe it's just a northwest chicago suburban thing, but yea. all the girls were doing it. my mentor supports and encourages me in everything i do. my suitemates would bring me chicken soup if i were dying in bed. Jesus bears my burdens when i'm weary. koinonia is there when i need someone to lean on. does it have to be a guy? heckkkk no.


some guys have come close to who i wanna get to know better on a deeper level.. and go on dates with.. and whatever. but i'm too chicken. haha, yes. too scared to make the first move. that's how you know i reeeally like the guy. you place me in front of the guy.. and i can't talk in front of him. i go numb and i can't feel my fingers. they go cold and my mouth goes dry. i blink a billion times per second and i can't keep my heart pumping blood. see what kind of effect guys have on me?! AIGO! but that only happens with a couple guys. those guys who are totally out of my reach and y'know. haha. most guys i'm comfortable with.. but there are a few where i just go stone cold. sound silly, i know. it's ssoooo 7th grade. haha.

seriously, though. i love being single. no drama. no mess. no broke-ness ! =)
i can focus on strengthening my relationships w/ my best friends, suitemates, koinonia girls.. just girls in general b/c that's what i really lacked when i was younger and still now. i can also focus on Jesus so much better. i still have yet to reeeally experience His love wherever and whenever. and i don't wanna reeally attach myself, unless i am the woman that my man wants me to be.. which is a woman of God. i need to get there first, before i try and make myself available. b/c i want a man of God.. so why would he ask less of me? so that's what singleness is for. basically Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye summary on singleness, i think. it's been a while since i read the book. but that's what i got out of it.



this was much too long for such a topic.
so i will end it here.
and go back to studying. =)
i'm gonna study until my exam @ 9:30AM.
it's currently 2:52AM.
here i gooo !!!

and then after the exam, i'm gonna sleep around 3:30pm-ish.
wake up, and pack for the RETREEEEEEEEEAT !!!!!!!! x)