1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing.
2. belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance.

#1 i can relate to. i don't have a problem with having confidence in others. actually, the trustworthiness might be something that i have a problem with, but for the most part, i am comfortable with relying on others. i like encouraging others b/c i know that they have the knowledge, power, strength, motivation, talent, whatever to do what they're gonna do.

#2 is what i have a problem with. and i'm sure a lot of people do, too.
today, i spoke to my research advisor about my paper and next semester's goals. we talked a lot for a good half hour. and 25 min. out of the 30 i was crying. she basically told me that i had been very wishy washy about my committment to undergrad research. which is totally true. there were times when i was like, ohyea i'll come in.. but i totally forget to. either b/c i was sleeping or i was just too lazy. she asked if i was serious about this. if my grades were falling apart b/c of undergrad research. maybe i should take a break. etc. in the end, i decided not to do undergrad research for next semester and resume in the summer or even next year. but that's not why i cried.

i cried b/c i realized that i haven't the first clue as to what i'm doing here. am i really here to go into csi? am i supposed to be a prof? am i supposed to go into research? maybe i'll suddenly go to med school. i have no clue. who knows what my road is. and b/c of this uncertainty, i'm scared and i dunno what to do. and b/c i dunno what to do, i don't try my best. and b/c i don't try my best, i think i'm dumb and i lose confidence. there are other factors that contribute to my low self-esteem and low self-confidence... but majority of it is self-inflicted.

i always thought that i had confidence. i don't mind being silly sometimes, singing @ the top of my lungs, or approach a person who looks like they're having a crummy time. is that confidence? i think part of the reason why i'm doing so poorly in chemistry, is b/c i don't have confidence that i can learn all this material. sure i have interest, but interest just isn't enough. i always second guess myself instead of going w/ gut feeling or knowledge that i've accumulated last year. i wait around and have someone else point me in the direction. so in the end... i guess i really don't have confidence.

and i hate it.

i hate how i have to mess up every first semester ever since high school. it's either b/c of priorities toward other activities, a relationship, really tough courses, whatever. it's a horrible cycle of screwing up first semester and realizing it too late and having to wait until second semester to freakin' get my act together. i can't think of one first semester that was ever good. something always went wrong. obviously i have still not learned my lesson. i hate how i have to go home and hear about how much of a failure i am. i hate how every time i look @ my DPR, it will show my grades.. and i won't be smiling. i hate how i look back on this semester and realize how much time i wasted.........

i was in a state of denial until today. i laughed all the time to try and forget. i called people and told them how ridiculous final exams are and how ridiculously poorly i'm doing. but ... today denial was dispelled and the truth spilled out.

it's not about others believing in me. b/c i know others do.
it's about believing in myself. and believing that God will work wonders. i almost have like no strength to even pray for that. not b/c i feel unworthy, but b/c i dunno what i'd do if it didn't work out. but God does reward the persistent ones, doesn't He?

i hope this winter break isn't filled with tears. i'd hate for that to happen.