MiSURA

today's reading gave me a lot of encouragement (Luke 7:36-40):

i totally freaked out last night.
in a way that i haven't in a lonnnng time.
i'm talking smashing the wall (to the point of bruising my wrist), banging the desk, screaming till i grow hoarse, and repeat.
i found out last night that i couldn't receive my diploma at the ceremony tomorrow.

EVEN THOUGH i turned in all the paperwork.
EVEN THOUGH i completed everything.
EVEN THOUGH the dean and the chem dept said everything would be cool.

basically the problem was with my chemistry BA major. i turned in the paperwork for the requirements to be met and details to be squared off. up until the day of chapter focus week, nothing had changed. so i worried... for only a bit. because the dean said he would take care of everything. so you can again, imagine my surprise at that email.

so i had two choices:
1. forget about the chemistry BA and just receive the art history BA in august.
2. take the one class i'm lacking for the chemistry BA over the summer.. and receive both degrees in august.

EITHER WAY, i would be graduating in august.

BUT i don't have the $$ to pay for that.
BUT i don't have housing for the summer.
BUT i don't have the desire even to take that class.

this morning, at the graduation rehearsal, i spoke with the dean (the dean who told me everything would be cool) and he assured me once again that he would take care of the problem. i felt much better. and just a few hours ago, i received an email saying that everything was a-okay. this time for sure. i will be receiving my diploma tomorrow.

more than the embarrassment of not being able to graduate w. my fellow classmates... i was scared of my dad. i didn't know how to tell him that i wasn't going to graduate. i couldn't make up for the time he took out to come to the U.S. and attend my graduation. (note: he arrived yesterday around noon.. and he's leaving next wed. for korea).

today, after the email from the dean, i thought of matthew 6:27.
i spent about 2-3 hours crying, screaming, wailing. my eyes were puffed to the point where i couldn't see even when my eyes were apparently open. i was scared to sleep, thinking that not sleeping would somehow fix things.

TRUST HIM.
I did everything on my part. WHY did i doubt that GOD would deliver?
Lesson learned.
forreal.

The sermon titled above was preached this past sunday by John Piper. Read/hear/watch it here.

I reeeeally need to learn to let go.
I really do feel utterly helpless.. sometimes.
But instead of running to Jesus I just admit that I'm helpess.. and give up.

"Because it means that all my helplessness, and all my deadness, and all my rebellion, and all my spiritual hardness, and all my moral inability, and all the years of my sin are no hindrance to God’s omnipotent Spirit when he wills to give me life through his crucified and risen Son. He blows where he wills, not where we deserve his blowing, and not where we constrain his blowing. His grace is free and sovereign. He does not depend on me in this work." --quote from sermon transcript

Especially with this whole graduate school business...
I need to stop thinking that God is leading me somewhere else besides Case. He's made it pretty clear that all the other schools rejected me and Case is my only option. Why do I defy His authority?

After listening to this sermon, I've finally "decided" on how I feel about going to Case for grad school.

I'm content. I really am. I am satisfied in knowing that He has a plan for me no matter where I go.
I'm excited for what new obstacles He has for me. Whether it's looking for a new church, new community, new career opportunities, etc.
I'm scared because I know I am utterly helpless before Him. I must rely on Him for EVERYTHING. I have no idea what I'm doing. But thank goodness He does. =)

CASE IN POINT!
AHHHHH we were amazing!

It was one of the first times that I felt really confident that we did well.
I loved the venue. Strosacker is the best venue by far. More than Harkness and Amasa even tho they are churches and the acoustics are awesome. I feel like Strosacker is more personal. At Harkness or Amasa, because we're in a church the pews are kind of restricting and we're also elevated. That just feels awkward. So yea. I hope people took lots of pictures/videos!

Afterwards we all met up together to reflect on our past year(s) in cIP and kind of say our goodbyes to the seniors. It was pretty emotional for some of us because w.o cIP, we may have never gotten to know each other.

Yay cIP! I'm gonna miss you guys. I'll continue coming to your concerts, f'sho! =)

KOINONIA.
AHHHH I'm gonna miss Koinonia a lottttt. But considering that I'm staying, it won't be that different. But not being on leadership will be weirdddddddddd.

Here are some pictures from Senior Night... I was lame and totally did not take pictures before clean up... -___-;;




A lot of other people took pictures of just seniors, funny ones, etc. So I'll wait for those and steal 'em later. kekeke.

What I said at the open mic is very true. There are a few memories that really stick out when I think of my 4 years @ CWRU and Koinonia. And GOD has truly been evident and faithful through it all. In summary, God's really grown me in the area of relationships.

1. My second year with the Clarke Girls.
It was my first time living with so many girls. Seriously. Weirdest thingever. I'm glad I got the single because even though they were super cool, I don't think I can handle being around girls ALL... THE... TIME. But something I will never forget are the Monday (or Tues?) night meetings where we always met up to share, vent, encourage, and pray. We witnessed answered prayers. We witnessed growth in our spiritual lives. We witnessed God MOVING in our lives. AHH! I will never forget you women of God!

Pictures from sophomore year...





More recent photos.... =)




2. My big/little relationship w. Lisa.
I love my brother, Sam. But I've always wanted... 1: An older brother and 2: a younger sister.
God answered the latter prayer since the former probably wasn't going to happen..at least not biologically. =P

Lisa.
I remember meeting her casually at the restaurant she worked at when she was still in high school. I forget if it's Superior Pho or Pho Number 1. But it was one of those and it was also my first time eating pho. Seemed like a pretty important moment. I already knew of her boyfriend and she had been accepted into Case and was planning on going there. Yoon told me that she was also a xtian so I started praying that she would come to Case.. Koinonia.. and really be satisfied in a relationship with the Lord.

It took me an entire semester and a half to realize that God was really calling me to be her big. Only after her first spring retreat did I recognize His calling and I asked her if she wanted a mentor. And from there it was awesome.

For the rest of that semester, we studied the Book of John. But more than the Bible Studies, we really confided in one another. I loved being ableto just talk freely with no fear that she'll judge me.

And esp. with the events from last semester, she remained strong and taught me SO MUCH about how to truly PERSEVERE and TRUST in the LORD for all things!!! I will never forget you, Lisa.




3. My relationship with Clara.
I remember one of our very first conversations. It was about the KSA meeting for freshmen and I was wondering if she was going. Because I didn't wanna go if she was gonna go. She went. And I didn't. haha. We had one class together: Psych 101. Eric was also in that class... and so begins our friendship. I've learned so much from her: hospitality, serving, selfless love, truly giving w.o wanting anything in return, and secure in her own identity and beauty. I don't think I'm ever going to have another roommate like you!









Haha. Can you guess when each of these were taken?

4. REAL LEADERSHIP.



Leadership even in high school didn't push me this hard to live faithfully. There's a really strong calling of integrity when you step into leadership. This past spring retreat, God really broke me down and humbled me. He basically said, "Why didn't you rely on me more? Why don't you have faith?" More and more leadership makes me realize that even though I have a "title" I'm still first and foremost His servant and that I am no greater than anyone.



5. Yoon.
Never have I experienced SO much grace and forgiveness through one person besides my family. In the same way, no one has ever pushed me so hard to be patient and honest like you have with me, either. I can't thank God enough for you.




I know I'll be back at CWRU next year so it's not too bad of a goodbye. =)
But I will definitely miss my undergraduate experience.

Don't.Waste.Your.Life.

I know it's been ages, but I've finally memorized the first 11 verses. AHH it took forever. Mostly because I forgot sometimes to keep up w. it. =( But I also couldn't bring myself to continue because I hadn't really written these words on my heart.

But the past several weeks... I've really received God's comfort and learned to be full and satisfied in it. Here are some of my experiences...

1. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." v3-4. The topic of relationships has been pretty biiiig these past several weeks. No, not because Yoon and I are heading down a slippery slope, but because I've seen my past mistakes happening in my friends' lives right now. I knew then that God had put me through those relationships not to torture me, but to teach me how to love others who fall into the same temptation--to comfort them just as He comforted me.

2. "He has delivered us from such a deadly peril , and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers." v10-11a. My mom is a huge encouragement in my life and this verse reminds me of her all the time. The first sentence is truth that I know and have always known. But the latter sentence is where I have trouble and where my mom comes in. She's always praying for me and whenever I share w. her.. like when I got rejected from BU.. or when I couldn't decide to do IV intern or grad school.. or if I should get a credit card now or later.. from trivial to important matters, she's always praying for me and for God to be ever-present.

Although I haven't experienced extreme sufferings and hardships, I know God has delivered me thus far and trust in Him to help me endure and persevere through all things.

Here I go continuing to memorize! =)

Note to self: Jesus takes the burdens away. But that doesn't mean that suddenly life gets better. Beware of the prosperity gospel. Jesus tells you the costs in following Him. It's not like you don't know what you're stepping into. Oh, you do.

I really had to think and pray hard about this chapter. Because I hear lots of sermons/conversations about the question, "Is [Christianity] worth it?" Is it worth giving up my life? Is it worth turning away from those sins? Is it worth putting my faith into this heaven that isn't even for sure?

For me, it's not about trying to get saved and getting into heaven. I know that I did not create myself. There's no way that I was formed from evolution. I know that I have no idea what goes on the other side of the world. I am just man. But GOD. The God of the Bible. The God of this World. The God everlasting. HE created me. HE knows what's going on in Djibouti. HE is omnipotent. Therefore, my life belongs to Him. And instead of seeing God as this unreachable God... there is a way! Through Jesus Christ (look at youtube video below). And now I have a purpose: to worship and glorify this God to whom my life belongs. That's a blanket statement, I understand. It could include a lot of things: evangelism, missions, ministry, serving in the church, marriage, workplace, etcetc. But this chapter really helped me to understand the nature in which I live out that purpose: in JOY.

 

I've mentioned many times that my favorite passage in the Bible is II Corinthians 4:16-18.

Therefore, we do not lose heart.

Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what it unseen.

For what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal.

And on pgs. 22-23, John Piper talks about how suffering for Jesus is temporary and the pleasure in Jesus is eternal. That's what keeps me going. I see my life, and as messed up as it is… I know that this isn't just it. The heaven that is unseen (yet known because of what I know from the Bible, but not experienced) will be ETERNAL, 24/7 praising our God. And that is what "far outweighs them all". I love the way that John Piper puts it:

"Nothing can compare with the joy of walking in the light with Jesus as opposed to walking in the darkness without him" (23)

There was so much to this chapter, but surely this is what God was telling me to learn today.

Place your hope, trust, and faith in the promises!!!

• Matthew 5:3-12
  
• Luke 14:14
  
• Mark 9:23
  
• Matthew 6:33
  
• John 15:7
  
• Luke 12:31
  
• I Corinthians 10:13
  

And there's SO SO SO many more! I could go on forever.

And one more reason why it is worth it: Because God has proved Himself faithful over and over again. Remember. Remember. Remember.

Note to self: Remember that Jesus takes our burdens. Remember the physical demonstration that Pastor Matt did at the Koinonia Spring Retreat of 2009. We're all carrying tons of unnecessary luggage that we seriously need to let go of. WHAT am I holding onto?

On pg. 11 John Piper says that "Jesus is not the burden". And I think we, including myself, often mistake Jesus to be the source of the burden instead of the one who lifts the burden. The things I do… should not be burdensome because He is not the source of burden. I must remember that He calls me to come to Him. He works for the good of those who love Him. He is a hard "taskmaster" (11) but not because He's out to get us. Because He knows how hard the world is and how hard we need to be pushed in order to live in this world. Today, my roommate shared about the stand-in for the Who is Josh event. I was so encouraged to hear that she participated. What happened was that everyone who was available wore BRIGHT NEON GREEN shirts that says MEET JOSH with the event info. They stood with their arms outstretched like Jesus did for us on the cross for almost 5 minutes. While she was doing this, she overheard some students confused about the action. Another student explained that it was the symbol of the cross. Another group of students were debating whether or not to throw stuff at them because it's not like they were going to retaliate. They ended up not doing anything, but the important thing is what my roommate realized: Jesus also experienced ridicule, scorn, and hatred. She immediately knew that this event was not about her but about Jesus and how much these people need Jesus. Even a task like this is really hard to do. Your nonxtian friends could walk by and be surprised/upset/confused at your action and might not wanna speak to you ever again. But the fact that my roommate realized more than that is why God put her through this.

In the end, we must CHOOSE Jesus. If we don't choose Jesus, then we choose to be a slave to sin. It's black and white. There's no grey area. Every morning I wake up, I need to dedicate each day to Him. I wouldn't be living and breathing if it weren't for His mercy.

LORD, this day is YOURS.

Tonight, I'm going to be emcee-ing the Who is Josh? event. I have a script of what to say and I'm fairly confident that I can deliver well. And my prayer request isn't that I don't fall on my face or suddenly become inarticulate… but that I can speak clearly and do my part well as so I do not become a hindrance to the Spirit's work tonight. I don't wanna fall on my face bc I don't want people to remember only that instant. I don't wanna mess up my words because I don't want people to remember how they couldn't understand my instructions of what to do next. I want to do well so I will not be a hindrance.

Also pray for everyone who is coming. So far there are 92 confirmed guests and hundreds who are "maybe"s and hundreds more who haven't replied. Pray for conviction. For revival. For this campus to be renewed.

EDIT AGAIN!: Genius. just genius. Why didn't I see this before?! aigooo. Pastor John Piper's recommendations for Bible Reading Plans. Never too late to start one! =)

wish list? def. the ESV study bible...

=====

EDIT: I read this after I listened to the sermon. The Word is also a SWORD.

=====

AHH.. i am so convicted.
all that i'm trying to "solve".. these "heart matters" are gonna remain as individual puzzle pieces unless i go to the Word and find out what GOD wants of me. what kind of restoration GOD has planned for me. only through the Word can i put together these puzzle pieces.

i wrote in my journal at AF1 that if there's one thing i want my small group girls to get out of the retreat, i want it to be that the Word needs to be like an extension of their hand. i bought them these twistable crayons (which i am in love with, by the way) to make reading the Word more interesting, if you will. for me, i like to highlight as i go along, it helps me remember bc i'm a visual learner. for them, it may be coloring-your-Bible-101, but at least they'll know why they received the crayons.

i also asked myself, why do i want them to grasp this truth?
i see my life as a biiig jigsaw puzzle. as i live each day, every person i encounter, each gift i receive, every prayer lifted up, etc. is a puzzle piece that is added to this entire jigsaw puzzle. some things are in my control (what time i wake up, choosing to walk to my next class, doing my QT) and some things just aren't (what the pastor will speak about on sunday morning, a car accident that i read about in the news, etc). but ultimately, i know that my life is NOT in my own hands. it is in God's hands. and if i try to put this puzzle together w.o His wisdom, then it's gonna turn out to be one ugly, messed-up puzzle. His WORD helps me to complete this puzzle to put the right pieces in their respective places. We have SO many questions about life and we don't know how to go about answering them. look! it's all in the Bible. if you didn't know, it's because you're not reading it.

lately, i haven't been memorizing the Bible. But listening to Pastor John Piper's message on John 15:1-7, i have been convicted to start it up again. i encourage you to also listen/watch it. He opened the sermon by reciting the following passages: Psalm 1, Psalm 16, Psalm 103, Romans 5:1-8, Romans 8, Matthew 6:25-34, I Corinthians 13. He just kept on reciting for about 15 minutes. It was incredible. Word for word, he knew all those passages.

more than just reading and paraphrasing, we must know and understand God's WORD because it is life-giving and is a powerful weapon against the evil one. (Pastor John Piper gives many more reasons why we should memorize Scripture).


thank you Lord for growing in me everyday.

AHHH what an amazing weekend!
God really convicted me about certain things and overall, I think Koinonia learned so much.
So many Koinonians truly want to grow in their faith--they just need the push, tools, and resources to help them get started. One thing the speaker emphasized was family idols. I think as Asian Americans, our family idols will most likely be pride, ambition, family piety & loyalty. But many Koinonians also wanted to break these family idols because ultimately who are we living for?

Something that one of our guys shared about during chapter time stuck with me: "I like how we pray for each other. Normal people just don't do that." Well he said something to this effect. And I wanna take that one step further: I like how we pray for each other ALL the time. Not just at retreats & praise nights. But ALL the time. One thing that I wanna see in Koinonia is growth in PRAYER. Many people may be intimidated to pray out loud and things but at least if it's with one other person, you can kinda ease into it. But I think it's so beautiful when we pray for one another and I'm convinced that this is the best gift we could give to anyone. More than the newest gadget, a clothing accessory, or even the cutest asian colored pens you can find.









I learned much about Gideon and how he kept asking God for SIGNS and CONFIRMATIONS. Last May at Chapter FOCUS week, God gave me a hint about going into ministry with InterVarsity. But instead of pursuing it and asking questions to God about why He wants me there, I kind of put it off and hoped that He wasn't serious and I was deluded into thinking that.

But here at Fall Conference and all throughout fall semester this year God's been really tugging at my heart about this.

During prayer time after the evening message on Saturday, I really questioned God and asked for signs. He told me to go look into my favorite book of the Bible, II Corinthians, and there it was. The other convictions that I have been having this whole year... Chapter 11 and the false apostles. Vs. 6 stuck out to me: I may not be a trained speaker, but I do have knowledge. That is SO me. I am absolutely not the most eloquent speaker. But the words that I speak and share.. I want it to be true. And the knowledge I have accrued since high school has gotta be worth something. The word BOAST also appears myriad times in II Corinthians and I have been learning how to boast more in Christ and what that really means. (Just go through that book and circle all the times Paul says boast)

So... I will be attending the Prospective Staff Retreat on Nov. 21-22nd to get a sense of what the ministry intern does, etc.

The choice of doing this will also be breaking a family idol: pride & ambition.
I talked to my mom briefly about this and she's okay with this.... as long as I go back to grad school and get a "real job". She doesn't mind me marrying someone in ministry, but me pursuing ministry? Think about it. And I have no idea what daddy will say...

In the end, things will happen the way God wants them to happen and I've entrusted my life unto His hands. I'm just glad and thankful for such an amazing weekend. Can't wait for spring retreat! =)


playing outside during free time. gotta love the playground. =)


guys playing basketball...


us watching the guys play basketball...


our awesome staff worker and my roomie!


we should put them on the poster for fall conference next year.


chapter time sunday morning: sharing our commitments and prayer requests.






chillin around before worship starts.


playing babo... poor chris.. =) so un-christian, guys. come on. haha.



FRESHMEN!!! Woot-woOt!


sophomores! i have NO idea what they're doing.


battle of the juniors!


:]


yea seniors! There's a couple of us missing tho.. =(
the sun's in our eyes..=T


ann, dental student who came to volunteer & jopan our awesome staff worker =)


all the girlieeees


don't mess.


AHH i couldn't catch one snapshot of all of them looking and smiling.. -___-;;


yea. um?


but just so i don't leave you with that last stumbling photo.. here's one more. =)



yeeeeeeeea.